Once a Momma's boy....

Growing up being called a Momma's boy was derogatory, an insult. I am beyond close to my mom, she and I talk about everything. Maybe it's cause I'm gay, maybe it's cause I'm her first born or because I'm the only male child she had. Who knows. She is one of the closest friends I have, I call her first when something good happens and when I'm sad or upset. She always answers or calls me back if she missss my call.

When I first came out, the one thing I was most worried about was loosing her and getting kicked out. She had a hard time with it and during one of our infamous chats this week, she explained what it felt like for her during my coming out. As she stated, "my dreams for you died, the grandchildren I imagined you having, the wedding I wanted for you... It was all gone. I was terrified of what could happen to you."  She has been through it all with me and continues to support, encourage and worry for me. Since moving to Houston, she has called me everyday and I know she worries about me . Oddly, her worrying about me is comforting. I don't want to see or hear her in pain or even cause her pain, but I'm grateful to have someone in my life who loves me so unconditionally.

As the years have passed, we have transitioned from parent/child to friends. She has told me I'm the embodiment of her hopes and in every way my accomplishments are hers. She was still a kid when she had me, we grew up together and learned along the way. I'm the joker in the family, the clown, the one who makes jokes and in many ways I became that way to help her. She has had a hard life, sometimes I wonder how she has had the strength to go on. This is the woman who always made me feel special and put my needs ahead of hers. She is also the woman who ran over my alcoholic, cheating lying piece of crap father with her car after he hit her one night. Before their very bitter divorce, he hit her again and found his drunk ass tangled in a barbed wire fence. I learned a lesson early on, don't fuck with my momma, cause she will go cra cra in a split second.

The woman I see now is older, calmer and generally more loving. Maybe it's because time has soothed the savage beast or maybe she is just happy being a grandmother. Last week, I called her and the second I heard her voice I broke into tears, after a few minutes of listening to me sob, she simply said, "baby what's wrong?" In that instant her voice soothed me, it comforted me to know that at my age she was there, if not physically, emotionally and I could feel her hugging me over the phone. She is my hero, confident, friend and spiritual advisor.

I have friends that don't have and can't imagine the relationship I have with momma. I know that someday she will be gone, it makes me tear up just at the thought of this beautiful, tortured soul not being in my life. The comfort is that I cherish her and she has no doubt of the influence she has had on me. Everything I learned about being a man, she taught me. I'm kind, caring, loving and someone you really don't want to fuck with when I'm angry. Sweet Jesus! I've become my mom... I'm more than okay with that, because once a Momma's boy, always a Momma's boy.

No doubt the universe is unfolding as it should...

The final portion of this poem states... Be at peace with yourself, you are as important as the stars. For those that read my previous post, I explained how we never know what others think of us or the impact either negative or positive we make on them. There is an old saying that goes something like people come into or lives as either a blessing or a lesson. Sometimes, when we are living in our moment, we don't know what they are until time, distance and space shows us. For me and my outlook on life, I try to see everyone as a blessing. I used to ask God "why me?" and now I usually say why not me. My friends tell me frequently that I am one of the strongest people they know, that they are amazed when hearing my life journey that if they were me, they wouldn't, couldn't get out of bed. But everyday, I wake up and live. I'm fond of saying, like I have a choice. Seriously, do we have a choice to continue to survive? Yes, I could wallow in self pity and sadness or the way things have turned out, but why? What good would it do me? Nothing that has happened to me is worse that what happens to anyone in life. I was molested when I was an adolescent, yes I was beaten with a tire iron, yes my father left when I was a kid and refused to meet me as an adult.So what? These are facts, my truth. I have scars, but oddly enough the ones that are t visible are the ones that left the most damage to me. I see the scar across my forehead everyday of my life, it's become a source of courage for me. It reminds me that once upon a time, something unfortunate happened to me. I didn't die, I recovered, I thrived, I lived, but most importantly I forgave.

To forgive someone is at it's core, not about what someone else did to you, rather you loving yourself enough to say, that sucked but I've got to keep going forward. I have a circle of friends that support, encourage and love me. I was talking to one of these friends this past Saturday and bringing him up to speed on my life and a few setbacks I've encountered lately. He told me something that has resonated so deeply with me, I brought tears. You see, he and I dated for 2.5 years, we had one of the worst break ups I've ever had. But we reconnected last year and became amazingly close. We both were going thru rough times and needed support and unconditional love. He explained that he was impressed with the man I've become since our time together. That I went from being the guy with no friends to knowing everyone. To becoming the person that never meet a stranger. But it was this simple statement that gave me an a-ha moment. He said... You love yourself, you like the man you are. Wow! I'd not thought about that, but yes I do love myself. I'm not who I want to be, but sweet baby Jesus... I am not the man I used to be. With age comes wisdom or so I've been told. The changes I've made have been because I didn't want to be the guy afraid to live or love, I just wanted to in the immortal words of Nike... Just do it. So I get my heart broken, I'll survive, so I fail, at least I tried. Every person I know, have met, will meet has a story as unique as they are. My journey is about is trying, failing, learning, loving, appreciating, valuing and ultimately making myself the best I can be. So I will appreciate my uniqueness, continue to make and be at peace with myself. I am lucky that I have unconditional love, support and some pretty damn wise friends.

New dawn, new day or so I hope....

I watch a show on OWN called  Masterclass where celebrities discuss the life lessons they have learned on this journey called life. The most recent one I watched featured Susan Sarandon and she had a very unique tattoo that said new dawn, new day and stated something to the effect that God willing we are given a new day and new opportunities.

I have a question. What is happiness? How does one a achieve it? I asked friends that have known me through various stages of my life to tell me how I have impacted them. I'm sure you are thinking, now why would be want or need to know this. Well, as we travel on our life journey we encounter many people. Some are a part of our life and then drift away for whatever reason and come back. I have been in therapy off and on since 2005. I've had some events that have left their make on me and at one point in my life, I was a very troubled man. I half assed began therapy, but as with most things once we started getting below the surface, I got scared and stopped participating in my own recovery. For years, it was easier to indulge my drug, alcohol and sexually addictions and  escape the life I had created rather than face my fears, trauma etc. 15 months ago, I started back and this time, I vowed to take it seriously and participate in making myself healthier, wiser and God willing a more peaceful person. So, my therapist asked me what do those I value and cherish feel/think about the man I am. Most of the responses have been like food for my hungry soul and they can in at just the right moment when I needed support the most.

I have lived a life if fear, afraid of being hurt, hurting someone, not being the man I wanted/desired to be. Afraid to take a risk, afraid to fail.  One week ago, I took a risk. A big risk in fact, I left everyone and everything I knew and moved 700 miles from Birmingham, Al to Houston, Tx. Yesterday was a difficult day for me and all I could think about before falling into a less than peaceful sleep was that I would have a new dawn and a new day to start again. The day didn't exactly turn out the way I wanted, but in life most don't. So my hope and prayer tonight will be a new dawn, a new day.